Wedded bliss

Goede middag iedereen. Ik ben droevig ik heb bijgewerkt meer onlangs mijn blog niet. Ik ben aan een huwelijk in Denemarken geweest.

If Babelfish is to be believed that paragraph might be Danish for ‘Good afternoon everyone. I’m sorry i haven’t updated my blog recently. I’ve been attending a wedding in Denmark’.

And what a wedding – Ralph and Christina’s day was filled with endless fun, heartfelt sincerity and bucketfuls of love.

Ralph is Mr Swift’s ex-news editor and we were accompanied to the wedding by a couple of other ex-Post hacks who will remain nameless for the sake of their current and future careers on national newspapers.

If you haven’t been to a Danish wedding i suggest you befriend an engaged Dane immediately as they are riotous fun. Here’s what I’ve learned about gettin’ hitched, the Scandinavian way

• The Danes are exceptionally fond of toasting (Skål!) at any given opportunity

• The wedding reception—a bryllupfest—not only consists of toasts and speeches but other random activities such as mass participation singing (complete with lyric handouts) and multimedia presentations

• All this results in a five hour dinner feast. The only thing i can see that prevents it from running any longer is yet another Danish tradition: that the bride and groom must take their first dance before midnight

• There is a lot of kissing. Whenever the groom leaves the room, all the men rush over and kiss the bride (and vice versa)

• The guests can demand the bride and groom kiss at any time. Banging your plate with cutlery forces the bride and groom to stand on their chairs to kiss. Pounding your feet on the floor will force them under the table for a snog

• The first dance is to a Danish waltz. All the guests circle the couple and inch towards them until at last they have no room to dance and must kiss (again). The groom is then wrenched away, held up in the air while someone comes along and cuts off the toes of his socks.

I have to admit that last tradition scared the life out of me. It had a touch of ‘The Wicker Man’ about it.

Anyway, us Brits have a few traditions of our own, namely we’ll get steaming drunk and participate in some morally and legally dubious behaviour. For once, I can hold my head up and say that my conduct was exemplary; the same cannot be said for some of my companions. Here’s a compilation of learning that may or may not have come about from actual events. I couldn’t possibly comment.

• Trying to source cigarettes at a wedding in the middle of nowhere will involve a lot of grovelling, the local restaurateur, a taxi ride and £70

• Snoring at 100 dbs-plus in a communal dorm may result in you getting punched hard in the face and smothered with your own pillow

• The 19 year old you’re slow dancing with will turn out to be 47 and have an irate husband. When you accuse him of being her Dad it’s time to leg it back to the hostel

• Before taking a young lady down to the beach for an evening of amorous entertainment check everything’s in working order.....

• Pack shoelaces, otherwise you’re going to the wedding with makeshift clingfilm alternatives

Let that be a lesson to us all.