Dear Delia

Dear Delia,

Let me begin by telling you i'm a lifelong fan. Some of my earliest memories of food are watching you cook on Swap Shop with Noel and Cheggers. I’ve always thought Christmas at your house would be culinary Nirvana. However, having witnessed your televisual nightmare ‘Delia’s Classic Christmas’ on BBC Two this week, I’ve revised that assumption.

Right, let’s start with the Christmas pudding (as indeed you did). I love Christmas pudding Delia, i really do, and i agree wholeheartedly that more people would eat it if it was home-made. Saying that, who on Earth in these recession-hit times can afford to have the hob on for EIGHT HOURS steaming a pudding that contains 95 separate ingredients? Certainly not me; I’m sat here typing this in two jumpers and a scarf to save putting the heating on. Do you have shares in one or all of the four main UK energy providers?

Whilst we’re on the subject of vested interests i also believe you may have a substantial personal portfolio involving the UK spirits industry, because  that was a lot of booze i saw glugging into practically every dish. I’m worried for you and your liver.

I was also deeply troubled by your obsession with that large upright freezer. There was something distinctly eerie about your night-time trips into the garage to visit it. I half expected it to contain your Husband’s dismembered body neatly packaged in date-marked Tupperware boxes.

Ok, now let’s move onto the pinnacle of my disgust, that vegetarian abomination. I think we both know I’m referring to the Roulade, or as I like to call it, cheese and parsnip vomit roll. Who would possibly want that for their Christmas dinner, Delia? Please tell me which of your friends and relatives you think would enjoy seeing that beige, oozing, pus-like mess placed in front of them on Christmas day? I know you don't hate vegetarians because you produced a very lovely recipe book just for us back in 2002, so explain to me why this crime against cookery exists? I’ve been a strict vegetarian for 18 years and I would scoff down a Turkey crown in a New York minute before ever putting that thing near my mouth.

Saying all this, I just can’t bear to leave our relationship on a sour note. There were a couple of redeeming features; the braised red cabbage looked nice.

I still love you Delia, I always will. Please make it all better in time for next year.

Best wishes, Lisa.